


we speak the loudest when we’re silent

by Alielle (TheKitteh)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 18:22:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21020204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheKitteh/pseuds/Alielle
Summary: Only once they're alone, Kihyun feels it's the time to cross the distance between them.





	we speak the loudest when we’re silent

Hoseok’s laugh echoes through the room because they both put their phones down at the same time and the sound is so familiar that Kihyun can’t stop but smile at him across the room. There’s a slight burn in the back of his legs, from the workout and the position both as he types the words out. His smile widens as he sees the instant reactions online, the hearts and retweets and a flood of comments. 

“Look, look,” he shows the posted photos to Shownu, excited like a kid about a well planned out joke. Next to him, as expected, Shownu only groans as he wipes his hands into his pants, before standing up from the chair. He looks tired and a fond kind of exasperated and best to be on his way to the dorm. 

“Thank you for your hard work, hyung,” Kihyun says as he pushes himself up to stand as well, shaking each leg out.

“Ah. Good work today,” Shownu merely gives him a clap on the shoulder as he leaves and Kihyun watches the door behind him.

His heart picks up its pace when he hears the soft click of the lock as it falls into place, as he hears Hoseok shuffling around to his side. He’s humming under his nose and fiddling with his phone again, looking all content and exhausted both at the same time. 

Kihyun is painfully aware of how stilted things are between them, with the way Hoseok doesn’t immediately look at him as soon as they’re left alone. 

They’ve been _ off _ for weeks now and Kihyun never felt is as acutely as he does right now.  
  


Thing is, he misses Hoseok like he’d miss air in his lungs, despite the older boy lounging in the chair just a few feet away. 

He knows that he’s got the whole of Hoseok’s attention right now, even when they’re not looking at each other. It’s in the minuscule way Hoseok's angled his body towards where Kihyun is, in the deliberate way he is _ not _ raising his head just yet and keeping his eyes on the phone in his hand.

Kihyun knows he should pick up his discarded hoodie and half-empty water bottle and leave as well. They’re on a tight schedule and it’s already so late, and he should probably go up and make himself some dinner. And there’s also the need to shower and…

“Oh.” Hoseok’s voice cuts through his train of thoughts and when Kihyun looks up, he sees the honest to god surprise on Hoseok’s face. His mouth falls open a little and his breath hitches, “I thought you left.”

And it hurts, hearing that honesty in those four little words.

Knowing he was the one to cause it to happen in the first place because lately…

Lately, Kihyun has been the one leaving - fast, immediate - or not coming close at all. He’s been the one putting distance between them, making jokes that could easily be considered cruel. 

He’s dragging his feet across the wooden, sweat-stained floor; keeps his head down because he’s suddenly all too aware of the heavy, uncomfortable weight on his shoulders. Hoseok blinks up at him from underneath his baseball cap, curious and a little intrigued. 

“Hi,” he says and Kihyun’s unable to resist himself and the pull that always, always between has been between them.

He steps in close, closer until Hoseok’s blinking and reaching out as Kihyun manages to crawl into his lap and all but curl over the older boy. Just like it’s oh so natural to wrap his arms around Hoseok’s shoulders, how easy it is to press himself against him, so is the way Hoseok’s hands come up and hold him, keep Kihyun close. 

They remain wrapped around each other like that, silent, not saying a word, just breathing in each other’s presence and soaking up the way they can be only with each other.

But there’s something fluttering nervously deep within Kihyun, something unpleasant, fickle; it doesn’t allow Kihyun to settle in properly as he’s used to, he’s unable to let the weight of Hoseok’s hands ground him as it should.

“I’m sorry,” when he finally speaks, Kihyun can hear the way his voice cracks between the two words, his fingers digging into Hoseok’s nape. The skin there is soft, still sweat-damp and warm, it would be too easy for Kihyun to leave marks and indents. 

Maybe some other day.

Not today.

Today Kihyun folds in on himself, tucks himself in so that his face is hidden in the crook between Hoseok’s neck and shoulder. He feels the other’s hands grip at his damp shirt - at his waist, at his own shoulder - and he feels his legs shake from post-practice exertion and this strange rush of emotions inside of him. 

Today he’s feeling vulnerable like he rarely is, desperately trying to erase the space that’s been between them for so long. The space he may have put there, out of fear and his pride and,- and who knows what else, but it’s there, even when they’re pressed as tightly as now. 

Today he’s apologizing for something he’s unable to put into better, more coherent words; today he hopes that connection between him and Hoseok is enough.

Today, he’s overwhelmed with the need to give voice to a fear that's been in the back of his mind for days now, constantly pushed away and away and away, buried underneath all the must-do’s and have-to’s. 

But for long, long minutes they stay like this, with Kihyun curled over Hoseok, in a position that should be uncomfortable for both of them - too close, too hot, they’re both still sweaty and sticky -,

“Don’t,- don’t leave me,” Kihyun says so, so quietly after a while so long that his voice comes out a cracked rasp. ”Ok?”

Hoseok pulls him closer, his chin digging painfully into Kihyun’s shoulder; he holds on and on and on, as tightly as Kihyun is. 

“I won’t,” Hoseok finally mumbles, so quiet and rough that if not the absolute lack of space between them, Kihyun would never hear him. The words warm him up and make something loosen up within him. He suddenly feels like he can breathe again and manages to take a few gulps of stale, salt-tinged air. Nothing changes, not at least until Hoseok continues in that same, rough-sweet murmur, “I don’t think I could leave even if I wanted to.”

Kihyun jerks back so violently at that, that if not for Hoseok’s hands holding him, he’d be splayed out on the floor by now, nursing more than just a physical ache.

“Wh-what?” He stutters at an unattractive pitch, feeling something tight and painful form in his chest. “If you want,-… _ what _?”

The way Hoseok looks up at him, dark eyes peeking out from underneath that god awful cap of his? 

The way he looks so tired, so resigned; the way he looks like he’s accepted something awful that has happened and is beyond hiding it. 

His fingers clutch at Hoseok’s shoulders then, dig in hard and painful but there’s not even a flicker of discomfort on Hoseok’s face. He just keeps looking at Kihyun in that sad, beaten-pup sort of way and Kihyun’s unable to breathe or think or …

“Do you?” He rasps and fights against the urge back off, to put some space between us. He doesn’t. He doesn\t because he’s certain that if he’ll move away, there won’t be anything left for him to come back to. “Do you want to?” 

He waits with his breath held and heart threatening to break through his ribs. Because if Hoseok wants to… if he wants to leave, Kihyun will let him, no matter how devastated and empty it will leave him. Sohe waits and waits and waits and pretends he’s not a second away from losing it. 

Hoseok sighs and rubs a thumb over Kihyun’s shoulder in that soft, gentle way of his. It always made Kiyun relax, lean into that connection of theirs everyone makes humorous comments about. This time, it makes something cold and unpleasant coil tight and low in the pit of his stomach. 

“I don’t think I even know anymore,” he admits finally, sorrowful and apologetic and Kihyun has to look away, has to because his eyes are beginning to water and there are only as many times he can blink to keep the tears at bay. 

It will be all on him if Hoseok walks away, Kihyun’s all too well aware of that. Everything will be on him and him only, because Hoseok was always more open with his affections and his words and his gaze, with his praises and gentle touches. He was always the one giving and giving and giving, and Kihyun never could give back as much. 

He tried - of course he did - because there’s no one he loves in the same way as he loves him; he took care of Hoseok the ways he knew and how he could, in the precious, hurried and scarce moments back in the dorm, but lately it’s been happening less and less. They’re constantly in motion all over the world, out under the bright lights of cameras and curious eyes.  
  
In the spotlight, Hoseok remained unashamed, unapologetic with his gestures, while most of the time, Kihyun raised his head high and pretended to be above it all. He’d smile, yes, he’d be insanely flattered but never acted back.

At least not… not the way Hoseok deserved it.

  
“Ok,” he whispers and is unable to look at Hoseok anymore so he focuses on the stain on his shoulder, as he slowly, painfully slowly, collects himself.

He unwraps himself from the tight embrace and Hoseok doesn’t stop him. 

It’s everything Kihyun needs to know without any words. 

“Ok,” Hoseok says finally, quietly and definite and something hurts inside of him - like someone reached inside him and twisted his heart. 

Because it means they… that he…. That ‘Seok’s not going to fight for him, that he will leave and he will go and Kihyun will lose the only person that really mattered, that truly mattered, because he’s been too proud and scared to do something about it. In a way, he managed to think as he turns away to leave, desperate not to swipe angirly at his eyes with a shaking hand, it’s a miracle Hoseok’s put up with this for so long. 

_ Kihyunnie has always fought for me in difficult situations, I want to do the same. _

When exactly he stopped fighting? 

Kihyun stares at the door handle for a moment, before he closes the door again, loudly and without hesitation, he flicks the lock and closes the door, giving them privacy. 

“What are you….” Hoseok says from where Kihyun has left him sitting but breaks mid-sentence when Kihyun turns to him and starts walking again his direction.

For all his large built and raw strength, Hoseok looks surprisingly small when Kihyun approaches him in a stride. He doesn’t know what has shown on his face but there’s something like glass-fragile hope and elation on Hoseok’s face. 

He pushes himself forward, slides one knee onto the chair to rest in the vee between Hoseok’s legs, hands immediately reaching up, pushing the cap off and finding purchase in bleached hair. He clenches his fingers, tugs so that Hoseok’s head is tilted up, eyes wide and mouth open in surprise. His momentum pushes the chair backward, makes it tilt on the back legs and only because the wall’s so close, they don’t topple over immediately and Hoseok’s head hits the wall, but Kihyun’s hand cushions the impact. His knuckles flare with a smidgeon of pain but it doesn’t matter. 

“No.” Kihyun breathes out and he’s feeling feverish all over despite being at the top of his health right now, “You know what, I refuse. I take that back. I can’t. I won’t.” He leans in, presses a clumsy, quick kiss to Hoseok’s mouth and pulls away the very next second. “I won’t let myself lose this.”

Hoseok’s eyes go soft around the edges, in a sad sort of way, as if he’s bracing either of them for something bad to happen, “Kihyunnie…”

“I fucked up,” he soldiers on, leans even closer even if the chair creaks dangerously, “But you’re, - Seok. I fucked up and I’m sorry, I’m sorry I can’t be,- that I can’t show you everything the way you deserve. Because I’m so scared. But I can’t let you go. And I’m sorry, because less than five seconds ago I thought that I could and in all honesty, I probably should,” the words bubble out of him like a spring from between the rocks, as he looks into those wide-opened eyes and something withing him cracks and bleeds, “I really should, because you deserve someone who will love you the way you love them, but I can’t and I don’t want to. Because nothing makes sense without you. It doesn't. It never had and never will.”

He’s breathing hard like he's run a marathon and he’s sure his heart will leap out of his chest any second now and Hoseok is _ still _ just looking up at him, bewildered and disbelieving and Kihyun is so done with pretending, done with being mister all proper.

It’s not worth it. 

There is nothing in the whole world that would be worth putting that miserable look on Hoseok’s face. 

“Remember all those promises we made when we were trainees?” He says with a thick voice, gentling his fingers and bringing them around, tracing the pretty lines of his hyung’s face. “How we’d win our missions together, how we’d debut together. How we’d stay together. And we won them and we debuted together and, and even if I have to fight myself for this,” he leans in, bows his back so he can press his forehead to Hoseok's, “I want to stay with you.”

Hoseok’s the one who kisses him then, surges up and forward, brings balance to the precarious tilt of the chair and the erratic beat of Kihyun's heart.

“I never needed public confirmations, Ki,” he whispers between chaste kisses, his hands a vice on Kihyun’s waist, “Just this. That’s all. I just need you, here, with me.”

“You have it,” Kihyun whispers back, tilts his head and deepens the kiss. It’s urgent and lacking finesse, a too hard press of mouth to mouth, a clash of teeth and angles all wrong. First like their very first, stolen somewhere at the crack of dawn in a practice room all those years ago. He shudders at the feel of Hoseok’s fingers slipping under his too-loose shirt, the way they press into the shallows between his ribs. “You have us, you have me, always have.”

\---

When they finally leave, they’re both slightly more winded, slightly more disheveled. Hoseok’s hoodie is pulled all the way up, to keep both the chill of evening air out and the blossoming bite marks on his neck out of sight. 

There are still so many people out on the streets, despite the skies turning darker and darker and darker. 

“Let’s go home,” Hoseok says and starts walking first, his pace fast and sure. 

Kihyun manages to catch up within a second, grabs his hand and despite the furious, unforgiving heat on his face, he twines their fingers together. “Lead the way, hyung,” he says with a trembling smile as Hoseok throws him a startled glance. 

The surprise melts into something so undeniably bright, something so incredibly soft and then, then… 

Hoseok leads him home and Kihyun doesn’t let go even for a second. He almost did, earlier that day. He’s dead set on never making that mistake ever again.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> inspired by real-life photos from a post-dance workout and the cutest [ fanart](https://twitter.com/YKaHa93/status/1179757059861934089) (artist's permission has been obtained).
> 
> I don't even know what I'm doing with this, really.  
me: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
